Harry Osborn's Lettuce Lover
by Coke-CanTits
Summary: Consumed by depression Harry Osborn seeks relief in an unlikely place. This is smutty stupid crack. Also totally pointless.


Harry Osborn was depressed. He had never really gained the approval he had seeked from his father, and then he had died. Mary Jane wasn't there to comfort him either. Sure she had come to the funeral, acted like she cared, but in reality all she was focussed on was Peter. Fucking Peter. Peter had always been such a loser, so unlucky, but at some point his luck had seemed to take a complete 180. His father thought Peter was great, and Mary Jane was obviously in love with him. The two things Harry had wanted so desperately were now his best friend's.

Harry brooded as he violently chopped a tomato. _WAM WAM WAM_, sounded through the kitchen as he cut the red fruit. "This isn't fair...", he mumbled, "I am going to DESTROY Spiderman for this! I'M GOING TO CHOP HIS BALLS INTO PASTE AND FEED THEM TO A RABID, UNGRATEFUL CAT!", Harry screamed, stabbing through the tomato into the cutting board on the counter. Noticing his small melt down he mentally scolded himself, 'Calm the fuck down Harry, take a deep breath and think. We'll get revenge on Spiderman later. Right now just focuss on making dinner because your stomach is practically eating itself right now.' Deciding he was done multilating the poor tomato he threw the slices into a bowl. Harry went to the fridge and pulled out the thick, voluptuous, and oh so lovely _green,_ head of lettuce. He walked over to the counter, and even as he arrived at the chopping board he held the leafy veggie and stared. Stared into the deep green shimmering food.

Harry had noticed that before he died his father had seemed to become fond of the color green. After his passing Harry had also started to see the color as charming, sometimes glancing at trees or green lights longer than usual, almost in some sort of trance. But this lettuce...this was different. He felt as if it was pulling him in, swallowing him whole, chugging him down like a drunk college kid would a keg. And also the burning, longing _attraction!_ He had never felt this strongly, or aroused over something. Not even Mary Jane made him feel this way!

Quickly he pushed the lettuce to his lips, holding the slick, plump, leaves in his hands. Harry collapsed to the floor, vegetable stil firmly attached to his probing tongue and lips. He groped with his hands, longing to touch more of this precious object. His wet tongue slid up and down the plants long sweet stalks that dripped slightly with presperation and saliva. His mind briefly wandered to how the hell a plant was turning him on so much, but he pushed it out of his mind to refocus on his minstrations. Heat had begun to pool between his legs, making his jeans increasingly uncomfortable, Harry's cock begging for some sort of attention. Soon he could hold on no longer take the suspense and unbuttoned his pants as if his life depended on it.

'Wait,' Harry thought,'This might hurt, even with all the bodily fluids I've gotten all over this lucious green beauty it might not be enough!' And with that thought he carefully set down his voluptous lover, then dashed to the fridge. After fumbling with the doors he rummaged through the condiments, looking desperately for the perfect compliment to the gorgeous emerald asteraceae. Finally the perfect ingredient for their lovemaking was discovered. A freshly bought bottle of the finest Hidden Valley Ranch. Harry brought the bottle over to where his lover sat. He applied a generous helping of ranch to his aching dick, still as hard as adamantium. Then he brought his dearest lettuce close, feeling the pull stronger than ever, and inserted himeself between the now slick and lubed up leaves. At the first touch he could hardly contain himself! The moist firm grip of his beloved around his hot ranch coated rod drove him even crazier than he had ever been before. Lust grabbed a hold of him, forcing him deeper and deeper into absolute pleasure as he thrust violently into his damp firm lover. Harry grunted from the very bottom of his being, listening to the quick smacking and squelching their intercourse created. His body was quaking and spasming and his lettuce lover shook and cracked.

Within minutes Harry came with a powerful scream of ecstasy. His eyes were sqeezed shut, but he could feel it. The rip. He had, in his fit of sexual fury, ripped his lover straight in half with his thick cock. Before he even opened his eyes he was aware of the horrorific sight that awaited him. Slowly the scene revealed itself, and Harry let out a choked cry. The one thing that had given him true relief, dare he even think it, love, he had just defiled and destroyed. Harry was reduced to a sobbing ranch coated, half naked mess in seconds. He stayed that way for at least 5 hours until he was found by one of the maids.  
THE FUCKING END.


End file.
